Not sure if this is going to be a one shot or not, I've had the plot bunny for ages. I guess it depends on reviews and if anyone actually wants me to continue. Enough of me and on with the story.

Adam

I stare hard at the television screen, trying to concentrate on something, anything that isn't Jess for a change, but somehow, she creeps into my mind anyway. I almost hate her for being able to do this to me. No one else has ever managed it, so why her? She won't leave me alone. She's always there, like the screen saver to my head. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, if I'm in the shower, treating a patient, winding down before deciding to go to bed, heck, even when I am actually asleep. She's constantly there, sometimes doing nothing but sit there whist I get on with my day to day life. Or at least try to.

I know it isn't healthy. I have tried and tried to forget about Jess. It's obvious she doesn't want me. I don't know what her game is, but every time I think I'm getting close, every time I dare to think that just maybe I'm making progress, she pulls away again and shuts off from me as if the moment never happened. I sometimes wish she would just tell me one way or another how she felt, then I could move on with my life. Maybe.

Or perhaps the real reason I can't forget her, isn't because I don't know how her mind works, I don't know if I'm in with a chance. Maybe it's because I don't want to forget her. Maybe all this time I've been kidding myself I don't need Jess, that she has her life and I have mine and they were obviously never meant to intertwine, I've never stopped hoping. Even if it's clear she doesn't feel the same, would I want to forget? Or would I want to go on loving her just the same. Because, although sometimes it can cause more pain than I have ever gotten used to, it can be amazing too.

Like when our hands accidentally brush together, or when I make her laugh and I know that there is a purpose to me being on this Earth, even if it was just to give her that one second of extra happiness. Then there is that time when I took her off in my car during our lunch break and we drove to the top of the hospital and had a picnic, right there on the roof, for the whole world to see. That is one of my happiest memories. Just us two, up there with no one to question us or pull us out of the little world we had created between the two of us.

Eventually I give up and turn off the TV, sighing. What good are distractions when every little thing reminds me of her? I don't even know what I am watching. It used to be 'Emmerdale', but according to the clock, that ended forty minutes ago. I didn't even notice.

Clearly, only one thing can help me now. I need to get my fix. I pick up my coat and car keys, making a beeline for the door. A beeline for Jessica. I don't know if she'll even want to see me. She might turn me away on the doorstep; I suppose it depends on her mood. Sometimes she wants to know me, and sometimes she doesn't. Event that time on the roof when I thought we were really getting somewhere, she soon cooled off. In fact, I remember that as the key moment I almost gave up all hope for us. Almost.

**

Jess

It's past six when I hear the doorbell ring. Amelia and Lucas are upstairs, being unusually quiet actually, and Sean is still working. I don't know when he's due home. He expects to know where I am and who I'm with at all times, he wants to know exactly when I'll be home from work, but I never know if he's going to even be there for dinner. In some ways, this is a relief. At least then I can have a few blissful hours in everyday where I can forget about work and Adam and not have to answer to Sean. This is why I am not pleased to hear the sound of that doorbell. This is my time. The only time I get to truly relax and enjoy the time I have with my children.

Reluctantly, I decide I better answer it. It may be Sean, he may have forgotten his keys and won't be pleased if I keep him waiting in the cold. I walk slowly down the hallway, almost dragging my feet and open the door with a ten pound weight in my heart. But to my great surprise, and secret pleasure, it isn't Sean, but Adam.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, trying to hide my joy. Adam seems to sense my inner smile though, because he smiles for real and tells me he just fancied a visit.

I open my mouth to argue with this. He can't just barge in, uninvited. What if Sean had been home? Then I remember that Adam doesn't know about Sean. No one at the ED does. They are all surprised when I tell them I am single and loving it. They seem to think I am the type to be settled down with a husband and children. Then they apologise for being so stereotypical, when really, it should be my saying sorry for lying to them. I don't want to lie. It's just I can't be seen as Jessica, the surgeon's wife. As Sean's wife.

So instead of arguing, I open the door a crack further, inviting Adam in. He doesn't hesitate in stepping inside the house. It's all so easy for him. He can go after who he wants, whenever he wants. He doesn't have anyone to have to go home to every night. Someone to 'love'. He doesn't know how lucky he is.

I know the way I treat him is unfair. I know I should just tell him about Sean, so he can stop wasting his time with me. He would keep it a secret for me; he wouldn't tell anyone. I know he wouldn't. But every time I try, I just can't. I tell myself it's because I want to be my own person, and not Sean's, but the truth is, I don't want Adam to give up hope. I don't want him to stop chasing me, to leave me alone. I know it's risky, and Sean could find out at any moment, but it's not as if we're doing anything wrong. Apart from that one night we first met, and that kiss on the roof, nothing has ever happened between us. OK, so maybe a lot has happened between us, but for the moment, we are doing nothing wrong.

It's not like I don't want it to. I wish everyday that things were different. That I was free to date or kiss whoever I like, but that's not the way of it, and it never will be. I can't leave Sean. I don't have the courage. If I left him, he could take away everything I love. He could have my children, the house, all our money. I would be left with nothing, for Sean always made sure he was my everything. Even though I despise his very existence.

Just for this moment though, I don't care about Sean or about anything he can do to me. Adam and I aren't going to do anything, I just want to be with him, to talk to him. My children are upstairs for God's sake.

Suddenly, just like that, I am reminded of why Adam can't be here. My kids are upstairs, they could come down at any moment, and although there will be nothing suspicious to them in me being with Adam, I don't think it will work the other way around. Not telling people about Sean meant that they couldn't know about my kids either.

"Adam, you've got to go," I tell him and watch his face fall. I hate myself sometimes. I really do.

"But why?" He asks, confused. "I've only just got here. You invited me in."

I bite my lip as my eyes scan the room, as if a solution to everything is going to pop out from behind the bookshelf.

"I can't-" I start, but Adam interrupts.

"No Jess. I'm sick of hearing it. What's your problem? If you don't want anything to do with me, just tell me," he says, angrily. I open my mouth to tell him that I don't want him, that he should leave now before I can hurt him anymore, but somehow, I just can't. If I say it now, there will be no going back. That will be it for Adam and me. It will all be over and there will be no hope away from this life. This is a thought I cannot bare.

"I do want you," I tell him, truthfully. "I want your friendship, nothing more." There, I knew we would get to the lie sometime. "Not for the moment. Maybe someday, but not now. Please, understand." He looks me up and down, and for a moment, I see exactly what is going through his head. He knows there is something I'm not telling him, but he isn't going to question it. He's like that. He won't ask if I don't want to tell him. The total opposite of Sean.

Adam's face breaks out into a smile and it's not just him who lights up.

"Your friendship is all I ask, Jess," he says, and I know he means it. He won't pressure me into anything I don't want. He's not like Sean.

"Well then, how about a cup of tea?" I ask with a smile. The kids are still upstairs, but suddenly, I don't care. It doesn't seem to matter anymore. If they come down, I can always tell Adam they are my sister's. He doesn't need to know I'm an only child.

For half an hour, everything is perfect. I am in my house, with Adam. It's so easy to pretend this isn't a one off. To kid myself it's like this always, and Adam is the man I married, the father of my kids, and not Sean. I am happier than I have been in weeks, being able to relax and laugh so easily. Everything he does seems to set off a spark inside me, as if the fire never went out, or there is a chance of re-lighting it.

I make Adam a hot chocolate, just like he made me during that first night when we had only just met. Even then, I enjoyed his company more than I had ever enjoyed my husband's. Being with Adam was so easy, I didn't have to watch what I said, it didn't matter what happened between us, because as far as I knew, after that night, I would never see him again. At the end of it though, that wasn't such a good thing. I had never felt the way I did in just a few hours with Adam in any amount of time I had ever spent with Sean.

I know it can't last though, just like then, I will have to walk away from this situation as if there is nothing more between us than what I told Adam. Friendship.

As I am carrying the hot chocolate over to the table where Adam sits, he looks me up and down and says, "last time we did this, we had no clothes on." It makes me laugh so much, I drop the mug. China and hot, brown liquid shatter and splash all over the floor and up my jeans. Adam is horrified and apologising, but it only amuses me further. I laugh like I haven't done in a long time, so that eventually Adam joins in too and we are both laughing, but about what, we have no idea anymore.

Still giggling, I bend down to pick up the shards of china, floating in the liquid chocolate. Adam hurries over and begins to help me. It's a messy job, our fingers and hands are soon covered in the drink, I catch Adam's eye and we crack up all over again.

I am so absorbed in the moment, laughing so easily with Adam that I don't notice Sean is there until he calls my name loudly. I start and the piece of mug I am holding in my right hand pierces my skin and droplets of blood instantly start to fall from the open wound. I gasp throw the china away from myself, back onto the floor.

I brush away Adam's concern and stand up straight, as does he. My finger continues to bleed, but I hardly notice it. Not even when the blood drips and forms a small puddle by my foot.

"I'll see you tomorrow," I tell Adam, and he knows it's his cue to leave.

He has no idea who Sean is. They work in different departments, so have never met before. But he must guess who he is to me. He must know the reason I have been pushing him away all this time when all I ever wanted to do was pull him closer. He is watching me with hurt eyes, and a hint of anger, but I don't look at him. I can't stand to see the damage I have done.

"Goodbye, Jess," he says, coldly and without another word, or even a glance he walks though the kitchen and out of the front door. I don't watch him go, I don't want to see his retreating back, because then I know I will call out to him, I will make him come back to me and save me from this living hell.

I don't dare look at Sean either. I don't need to. I can feel his cold, penetrating stare. I can picture the anger flashing through his eyes, his hatred pulsing into me. I know what comes next. Soon, the mug won't be the only thing that's broken.

I don't know if I should continue or not. Should I?