Chapter 3.

My life now resembled Blazing Saddles. Between the utter lack of sense that already prevailed, and the sudden and random introduction of Nazis into the mess, my mind had sunk into an almost vegetative state, and I'd really given up on trying to think about anything other than where I was relative to food. Water, at least, was abundant-- every building had sinks with running faucets somewhere. Occasionally my sparse train of thought would drift to my new neighbor, and I would look around to make sure he wasn't to be seen. It was at this point, about three days after I'd arrived, that I found a rusty chunk of rebar about three feet long, and started carrying it with me, usually balancing it on the basket, under the handles. Having a primitive weapon made me feel a little safer. I saw him once, from a distance, about a week after we first met, but that was all.

I was usually able to find something edible every day, but I did have a stroke of bad luck for two days or so, and had nothing to eat by the second. I might have saved my food from the previous day and eaten that, but I'd wolfed it down when I'd found it, foolishly assuming that my luck would return by the next day. I made sure to carry a little packaged food with me everywhere after that. Sleep was difficult for the first few days since the sun never set, but by the end of a week I felt so consistently exhausted that I'd start snoozing if I even sat down somewhere. By my second week I had mostly adapted to my new circumstances, and was able to walk all day on little food without feeling too tired. When I got bored, I'd start singing or throwing bits of junk and breaking windows. It was fun to break the windows higher up, and watch the glass come crashing down from fifty feet up, when I could get a projectile that high. I found a small shard of sharp metal once, and started using it to carve random graffiti into the walls here and there. I found that, after about a week and a half, the elevators in the buildings stopped working. This restricted me to the ground floors of the buildings for the remainder of my time, since there didn't seem to be any staircases, and I didn't have the energy for them anyway.

Near the end of two weeks, the faucets in the buildings began working only intermittently, and some started spitting grime or noxious fumes along with the water when turned on. About three days after this, almost none of the faucets worked, and I was essentially trapped in what I think was an office building of some kind, because it had the only clean water within about three miles. My supply of food started growing thin, as I was trapped within a radius of about five miles of this building at the most. It was after about three or four days of this aggravation that something else happened.

I was walking down a street about one mile away from the office building when I heard a low, quiet thrumming coming from overhead. It got louder for awhile, and for a few seconds I could feel the ground under me vibrating. Then it stopped. Not long after, I started hearing the faint echo of voices coming from somewhere in front of me, in the same direction the thrumming had come from. Incidentally, it was in the opposite direction from the water fountain. At first I was so shocked to hear all this that I didn't move, but before long I had dropped the basket, picked up my rebar mace, and started running towards the sounds and shouting "hello."

I took a wrong turn or two along the way, but after about five minutes the voices had gotten loud enough that I could make out one or two of them shouting "hello" in return. It wasn't long at all before I turned a corner, panting, and came across the plaza the voices were coming from. There were several people in what looked like yellow hazmat suits walking around, one or two of them shouting, and in the middle of it all was an enormous, boxy gray thing with a blue stripe down one side. I thought I could make out a set of windows on one end, and a set of engines at the other. In all it was shaped like a gray, cubist potato. It stood on several stubby legs with skids on the bottoms. It was putting off a high-pitched mechanical whine, probably from the engines. When I came in sight, several of the people in hazmat suits turned to look, and a couple came running towards me.

They started rapidly asking questions-- was I alright, were there any other humans here, did I find any survivors. I answered that there was another human across the water fountain from me, but we didn't talk. Again they asked if there were any survivors, or if it was just humans. I just said that the man across the fountain was the only other living thing I'd seen here.

"Blasted red-ribs," one of the hazmat guys said.

"It wasn't red ribs, and you know it," said another.

"Why not?" asked the first.

"It's not on their agenda. The government, however, has a motive," replied the second. There was silence for awhile, and then the first one turned and looked at me again.

"Sorry about that, ma'am," he said. "If you'll just follow me, we'll get you de-contaminated and find you a place onboard until we pick up your friend downtown. Just glad we got to you before all the water went foul."

He started walking towards the cubist potato with engines, which was about eighty feet long. I followed. "Decontaminated?" I asked.

"Ma'am… don't you know what's happened here?" he asked, sounding a little incredulous. I shook my head. "Someone's dusted the place with a highly contagious, species-specific SSEV. Designed for Ithorians."

"What's an SSEV?" I asked, as I was led behind the spaceship, as I then decided it was, to a small, sealed plastic tent with a domed top. A wing of the tent extended towards the ship and linked the tent to the gray ship's side. The hazmat guy pulled a flap open on the tent, and gestured for me to go in.

"You really don't know?" he said. "SSEV. Solid-state execution virus. Now, what you need to do is stand in here for twenty minutes until someone from inside the lift opens up that inner door"-- here he pointed towards the connection between the tent and its wing-- "and lets you inside. You'll probably get sprayed with a few rounds of disinfectant. Make sure you breathe it in, so it kills off any dust you may have inhaled. After that, you'll be let inside that tunnel there, and one of our officers will give you a quick scan to make sure they got everything. Once you're clean, someone will show you a place to sit while you wait. Understand all that?"

No, actually, I didn't understand very much of this at all. But I was going along with it anyway. "Uh-huh," I said.

"Okay." He closed the flap behind me and pressed it shut around the edges.

The spraying started then. A small aluminum apparatus overhead began spraying some kind of thick, bluish mist into the tent, and as per orders I inhaled it, hoping very much that it wasn't poisonous. It made the air thick and gave off a strong chemical odor, but I didn't feel sick at all. This was repeated three times while I was in the tent, and then the air was left to settle for awhile. When the twenty minutes had passed, someone in a brown, lightweight uniform peeled open the plastic inner door. He had what looked like a large bar code scanner in his hand.

"Okay, if you'll just step in here and I'll make sure you're clean," he said, gesturing at the floor of the tent wing he was in. I stepped inside, and he waved the scanner over my head and my back, and held it in front of my face for a few seconds. It beeped. "All clear," he said. "Alright, if you head up the ramp there and turn left you'll see some benches. You can wait there until we get you back to the base." I saw a gray steel ramp leading up into the dark interior of the ship. I walked inside cautiously, and saw on my left a pair of subway train-style benches facing each other. They were both bright orange, and stood out against the dull gray interior of the ship. I sat down on one, and realized that I still had my piece of rebar with me. I fidgeted with it for awhile, waiting to see what would happen.

Someone else in a brown uniform came up to me then, and started asking questions. At first he just asked the same questions as the hazmat guy, but after a minute or two I think he caught on that I had no idea where I was or what was going on. Then he started asking me why I was here, and why I didn't leave when the city was evacuated.

"I don't know how I got here," I said. "I don't know what this…... is this Earth? What year is it? What's up with the sun?"

His dark eyebrows pinched together as he realized that there was definitely something very strange about me. "Earth?" he asked, in a smooth, cautious voice. "What's Earth?"

I fumbled for an answer. It's not the type of question I was used to answering. "It's...… it's Earth. It's the third planet from the sun. Where humans live? I mean, this can't be Earth, unless it's in the far future or something...… but what's wrong with the sun? It's so red, and it never moves."

He looked at me like I was a real weirdo. "I'm… afraid I haven't heard of this place. But right now, you are on the planet Agonis, the second planet from its sun, and the sun never seems to move because Agonis, like many planets, does not spin on its axis. And, Agonis' sun, like most stars, is a red dwarf, for your information, which is why it is red and dim. Is there anything else you don't know?" He seemed halfway between throwing a fit at my stupidity, and having pity and finding a nice, quiet institution for me.

"I don't know how I got here," I said. He just blinked and sighed. "I…... I was walking down an alley in Kansas, and then boom, I'm in an apartment building or something. I really don't know what happened. Do you have any idea what's happened to me?"

His expression was eloquent of incredulity. "Ma'am...… I'm just a loader crewmember. I don't know anything about paranormal phenomena. Heh, maybe the Jedi have returned and are wreaking yet more havoc. Wouldn't be the first time," he said. He was wearing a lopsided, almost sympathetic smile by then. He gave up on trying to extract any sense from me, and left the room.

The Jedi?

"Uh…... sir?" I called down the hallway he'd disappeared into. He leaned out from an unseen chair just a few feet from me.

"Something else you need?" He looked like he was expecting more absurdity. And get it he would.

"Did you just say Jedi?"

He started looking irritated. "Surely you know what they are?"

"Uh...… yeah. Jedi. Lightsabers. Star Wars."

He smiled. "I have noooo idea what Star Wars is, but the rest sounds right."

"Yeah...… okay. And is there also a Rebellion and a Galactic Empire?" I asked, expecting-- no, hoping-- that he was going to say no.

He gave me two thumbs up and a big, mocking smile. "See? You know more than you think!"

"You are joking."

He shrugged and turned around so his back was to me. "Believe it. We even have these neat little things called light, gravity, magnetism...… You do know about those, don't you?"

"Yes," I grumbled.

"Great."

Now what? Based on what this "loader crewmember," as he called himself, had said, it now appeared that I had somehow gotten on another planet-- not in the future, but "a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away," as it were. And there were Nazis-- or at least one. It really was turning into Blazing Saddles-- especially towards the end, when the fight in the town erupts off the set and starts spilling into the other buildings, and all semblance of order and logic flies out the window. Things had gotten so absurd, it was starting to get funny. By the time they finally brought in my swastika-emblazoned nemesis an hour later, I was holding back maniacal laughter. If I wasn't nuts already, it probably wasn't going to be long.

He sat down in the corner opposite me, where he was surrounded by shadow and accented by glare coming in from the door at just the right angle to make him look even darker. I noticed a tear in his armband, that I didn't think had been there before. He glanced at my rebar mace, and then at me.

"So...… did you run out of food?" he asked. Something about the way he said it was very knowing.

"No," I muttered. But the truth was, I was starting to run out. Plus, I was down to one source of water. If no one had come, I probably would have died of dehydration eventually.

He smiled pleasantly. "I must admit, you were wise to stay away from me. I ran out of food, and I haven't been able to find good water since early yesterday." He paused, as if waiting for me to say something. "You know, if you had been with me, we would have both been starving. Then again, you seem to have kept the better half of the city for yourself." He paused again. I didn't respond, but I watched him. I got the sense he was up to something-- which he was. It just wasn't anything quite as diabolical as I'd have thought. "I've always known you Americans had an aggressive streak," he continued, "but it always surprises me a little when you're shrewd." My glare probably got just a little darker then. There was a long silence before I thought of a retort.

"Wouldn't that indicate that you're a bad judge of character?" I said.

"You see? I knew you could do it!" he exclaimed.

"What?!"

"You can speak in full sentences. Who'd have known?"

I didn't have anything to say to that. Maybe he was a better judge of character than I thought. I shifted position on my bench, putting another inch between me and him.

Nobody said anything for a long time. I almost jumped when he broke the silence.

"You know what I think?" he asked. I looked at him, but I didn't say anything. "I think you're an ass," he continued.

"What?" I was a little shocked. "How am I an ass?"

He drew in a breath, looking smug. "Look at you," he said. "You're from the new millennium! The war's been over, I'm guessing since before you were born, and you said the Allies won. So if you have nothing to worry about, why do you still hate us?"

"I-- because of what you did!"

"Me?" he said incredulously, pointing at himself.

"I don't know what you did, personally. But you represent the people whose insignia you bear, and the people you support did terrible things."

"For example?"

"I gave you an example last week," I hissed.

"I don't remember anything valid."

"Then you're in denial, just like the rest of 'em."

"Who?"

"Nazis."

"Fine, then. What is it I am in such denial of, that you're so sure we've done?" He sounded incredulous, and he looked pretty irritated.

"The Holocaust, trying to wipe out the Jewish population, your own civilians, cruel experiments on human test subjects... trying to take over the world."

"If the world can be taken, then isn't that the right of those who can take it?"

"No. Besides... you do know you lost, don't you? You do remember that?"

"Then we overestimated our abilities."

"And that is supposed to answer for everything else you did?"

"You don't understand. Because you are blind," he said. He was emphasizing every word with hand gestures, stressing every syllable until he sounded hoarse. "The Jewish people are not like the other peoples of the world. I cannot know if they realize what they are or not, but if you would open your eyes you would see that everywhere they go, chaos follows. Do you understand at all? When the Jewish people move, they invariably bring destruction with them! And how many peoples have they slain in their time? Read the Bible! Where they go, they bring only war! You must understand, if they are not destroyed, before they can spread farther, the order of the world will collapse under them. It cannot be allowed."

"The Jews have been around since time immemorial, and now they're a threat?"

"They're not the only ones! Other, smaller groups, groups that until now have grown larger with each passing day, gypsies and smaller tribes, have taken up the yoke of chaos, and in their manners and effects are inseparable from the Semitics. Only a fool could ignore these trends!"

"Only a fool could react to trends so violently, that they consider the lives of babies and innocent civilians to be acceptable sacrifices," I hissed.

"If you saw where the trends were going, you might think differently."

"You know what? You're an idiot. I'm from sixty years in the future. The Jews are still around. The Gypsies are still around. The Nazis are not; at least, not in any numbers. And you know what? The world hasn't ended! Big surprise! Like nobody could have figured that out. You know how shocked the Americans were to find that your death camps actually existed? We all thought you people were just another Napoleon-type enterprise, and then we found out just how rotten you lot really were. You're lucky I bother so much as looking at you."

"You'll see," he said, a little quieter than before. "These trends will rise again. And so will the Third Reich. In that time, you'll be grateful we exist."

"Considering one of my best friends is Jewish... I seriously doubt that."

"They'll turn on you at a moment's notice. You can't trust them."

I shook my head and sighed. "You are the dumbest person I've ever met. I hope one day you realize how stupid you really are."

"Perhaps someday you'll realize how foolish you've been."

"If you knew my friend the way I do, you'd be apologizing right now."

"You think you know them?"

"Since we were two," I growled. "And the last time she turned on me, we were five years old, and it was over a piece of candy."

Some unidentifiable expression flickered across his face. "Perhaps you got lucky," he finally admitted.

"Has it occurred to you that you're just plain wrong?" I stared him down, but he just stared back and didn't answer.

The silence that prevailed after that interchange lasted for a long time. Talking about Sarah, my Jewish friend from back home, made me feel terrible. I hadn't thought about it much, but I realized I missed home a lot, and I missed the people there. I'd already been away for almost three weeks-- and look what I'd been through. An alien planet, an abandoned city, food and water shortages, even a Nazi. I started thinking about the hazmat guys outside, wondering what they were doing, and what would happen next. Was I about to get carried off in this spaceship somewhere? And if so, what would I do? How was I going to survive in a world I knew nothing about? At least in the city, if I really needed something, I could break a window and get it. But in the realm of inhabited civilization, I would probably have to live by certain social rules and laws, and it occurred to me that I knew nothing about those rules. At least the hazmat guys' behavior seemed familiar enough. They all seemed to speak English, which suddenly struck me as odd. Why would English-speaking humans not know what Earth was? They'd heard of the Galactic Empire and the Jedi, somehow, but they hadn't heard of Star Wars. And then there was the German. How did he get into this mess? For that matter, how did I? I remembered that he'd arrived in the city at basically the same time I had, and I decided that probably meant that our respective movements in the cosmos were related somehow, but how exactly was beyond me. It seemed a little odd that, by pure coincidence, I should be placed in such a bizarre situation, with such a strange person. Maybe there was a reason for it all.