I decide I can't face any more lessons and spend the remainder of the day wandering around, keeping out of the way of the cameras and random members of staff. I wander down to the sports field for a while, and find a shed to hide behind. I find a half empty pack of cigarettes + one lighter under the shed, hidden by someone I think. I am tempted. I've never smoked before but my mum does. I've wondered what it's like. I flick the flame and watch it dancing with the wind before holding the tip of one of the Superkings to it. I watch the tobacco burn, glowing orange, then blackening and fading to grey ash. I put the filter to my lips and inhale. Smoke fills my lungs and I cough. I finish the cigarette though, and keep the packet. I decide I like smoking. I don't know why. I contemplate the lunch money in my pocket and walk around the perimeter of the field. The hedges are full of empty packets, bottles and the occasional sweater. The fences surrounding the field are covered in assorted graffiti. After a while, I find a hole, a foothold in the fence. I peek through and see the road I walked along to school this morning. I assess the height of the fence, check behind me for teachers and throw my bag over, then I climb over, look back through the hole and run. Past the car-park for the swimming pool, past the chocolate shop and towards the convenience store.

I hang around for a little while, before spotting a group of lads behind me. I swallow the lump in my throat and ask one of them to go into the shop and ‘get me as many Superkings as you can’ and I give them all the money in my pocket. It's about £14 from last weeks lunch + the £5 from today. He looks a bit unsure so I tell him that he can keep the change. He gives the money to his mate and says he’ll go, as it would look odd if he asked for two different brands. I show him the packet to make sure he gets the right ones. He disappears into the shop for a while and I wonder if I made a mistake. £19 is a lot of money and he could make off with it. I watch the door to see if he’ll make a run for it. He sees me and walks in the opposite direction, but beckons for me to follow. I see the shop manager looking out of the door, and walk past with my head down. We walk to the entrance of the park and he gives me the cigarettes. 3 packs of 20 and 1 pack of 10. He gives me my change. I tell him to keep it but he says no. He says to wait for the others before we light up so I do. I'm quite scared. I'm out of school, with people I don't know, I'm smoking and if my mum finds out she will kill me. But I feel accepted, in a way. I've never felt accepted. Others push me away because I'm not like them. But these don't know.

The other three join us and introduce themselves. The One Who Got My Cigarettes is Gus. The One Who Didn’t is Marcus. The One With The Boots is Splinter and The One With The Weird Eyes is Steve.

I decide to test the water and roll up my sleeves as I light up. Splinters mouth drops open and he loses his ciggie, so I give him one of mine. ‘Self harm?’ says Gus. I nod slightly. He looks round the group, then puts his arm around me. ‘It's fine’ he says. ‘We all got problems right? Different ways of dealing with them.’ I'm not quite sure I like the physical contact but I don't say anything. They walk through the park and I follow, not wanting to go back to school. We go through the park, under the bridge, along the river bank. They laugh about TV shows and slag off the characters. Gus says something about therapy and bubble wrap and I laugh for the first time in ages. We walk all over and I tell Gus where I live. He gives me his number and tells me to let him know when I need cigarettes and he’ll bring them to me. I imagine that will be soon. My 10 pack has almost disappeared and I feel quite dizzy in the head.

We climb up the wall of the bridge and over. Marcus suggests we play pooh sticks with our empty packets. We stick any spare ciggies in our pockets and drop the packets into the water, and race across the road like children. Splinter wins. I come second. Steve is last and jumps down onto the foot path, chasing the floating packets. He insists we follow and wait for round two at the bridge a few hundred yards away. We do, until Steve gets too excited and skids, flying into the water and drowning 3 packets including his own. He gives up and swims upstream and we follow, back to the bridge. I tell Gus I have to get back to school so I can get the bus home and beat my mum back ad cover the smell.

They all hug me and splinter gives me his Funky Lighter. The one I found is nearly empty. I manage to get in the gate when the buses come in and I'm the first one on mine. I sit at the frond and end up annoying the person who claims that seat is His And No One Else’s. I sit tight and he leaves me alone. Throws his crisp packet at me on his way past, but leaves me alone. I stare out of the window in silence.

At home I tear off my clothes and soak in the bath. Mum comes home about an hour later. She says nothing.