Chapter 4:Think Before You Sign

I still couldn’t even think about what I had said. Luckily, Sarah had come before Sam and I could start talking—or fighting—about what I said. She didn’t seem to notice how nervous either one of us were, but as soon as she was gone, I headed out of the library. It didn’t matter to me if Sam followed or not, but I felt a hand grab my arm and glanced back to see Sam looking at me. Her face was clouded with confusion, but I just didn’t have the self-esteem to explain myself. Pulling away from her, I hurried down the stairs. Right now, I didn’t care about walking home alone. I just had to get away from Sam.

Walking home alone, however, didn’t get me away from her. When I finally did reach home, a bright yellow Ferrari was parked in front of her house. I guess she never got a chance to tell me her car had finally come in. She stood leaning against it, waiting for me. I didn’t know what to say to her; I couldn’t even look at her. As much as I tried to pretend I didn’t see her, she could see right through it. We both knew that I had seen her. I walked past her up the steps, but once again, I felt her hand on my arm.

Every fiber in my being told me to open the front door and just leave her standing there, but my heart won the battle. I slowly turned around, not even knowing what to expect. She looked sad, confused, and maybe a little hurt. Maybe she didn’t mean for it to happen, but a tear escaped her beautiful lilac eyes. My eyes widened, and I panicked a bit. Had someone hurt her? She couldn’t have been alone that long! I reacted instinctively, wiping the tear away.

“What happened? What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” I had to sign it twice after remembering Sam was a beginner and couldn’t read sign that well.

She raised her hands then stared at them for a moment. Her shoulders started to shake, and I didn’t know if it was from suppressed tears or anger. I couldn’t see her face anymore. We stood there forever it seemed, standing only a few inches apart, before Sam seemed to get herself together. “I just wanted to know why you said that.”

Great, just my luck. Of course she wanted to know the one thing I couldn’t think to answer right now. I swallowed as she looked up at me, waiting for an answer. What could I say to her? Sure, I liked her, but I didn’t want to admit that just yet. Feelings of this kind weren’t new to me, but they’d never been of a nature where they might actually be returned. The fear of rejection struck me hard, and I just couldn’t find a way to explain what I was feeling right now.

I knew she deserved an explanation, but right now, I just couldn’t give her one. I couldn’t think of a single thing to sign her either. My eyes closed, and I just shook my head. I just needed some time to think. Why did she always have to rush me on decisions like this? Just like when she kissed me a few weeks earlier. She just had to know right away how I felt after the kiss. As if I even really knew myself! All of this was new to me. Her hand rested on my arm once again, and I opened my eyes to look at her. She looked up at me with that same expression, the one that said she wanted to be kissed.

Every part of me wanted to kiss her. I could feel it through every vein, down to my very soul. Very slowly, I raised my hands, and she turned her attention to them instead. “I just need to think. Please, just let me think.”

That wasn’t the answer she was expecting. I could see that from the disappointed look on her face. She tried to smile; maybe she even thought she was. Almost immediately, I regretted my decision as she released my arm and took a step back. I thought maybe she would ask for more. Right now, I could feel myself trying to will her to do so. If she did, I knew I would just admit what I really felt. Instead, she signed, “I’ll see you tomorrow. Tell your family I said hi. And let Jazz know that I’d rather not hear her analysis on this conversation.” She smiled weakly then turned and headed back to her car.

“Sam…” She glanced back to smile at me when I said her name, but she still got into her car and drove away.

With a heavy heart, I sighed then turned and headed inside. Jazz nearly fell on top of me; she always did have problems with trying to spy on me and Sam. I could only guess that she’d been trying to read our conversation through the hole on the door. She smiled at me, maybe hoping I would ask for her help, but I just signed a greeting then headed upstairs for my room. Falling down on my bed, I heaved a sigh. Why couldn’t anything in my life be simple?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sam and I didn’t talk about what I’d signed again. She drove me to school now, and I could tell from the vibrations coming from the speakers that she had music on to avoid any awkward conversation in the car. It’d be difficult to speak anyway considering she’d have to use the hands steering the car to sign back to me. Once we reached the college, there wasn’t time to talk either. I would head to class, and she would either head to the library to study or head to class too.

Jeremy either didn’t notice or knew better than to say anything whenever I saw him. Sam usually waited with us for half an hour to an hour depending on what time she got out of class and when Sarah did. There didn’t seem much time at all for either of us to speak because Sam just dropped me off at home now. I guess she had decided to give me as much time as I needed to think, but I still felt a bit like a toy that had been dropped for a newer one. Not that I knew she had a new toy or anything… And not that I thought I was a toy either!

I scowled as I paced my room. This had been the sixth day in a row that Sam had just dropped me off right at home. As much as I hated to admit it, I actually liked her goofy little outings, and now I missed them. My family kept asking questions too. Like why she didn’t stay anymore, and why I was always inside now. To get them to ease off a little, I started hanging out in the backyard studying or reading. It didn’t help that every time a flash of yellow caught my eye from the street, I would look. Maybe asking for some time to think had been the wrong thing to say…

“Your parents want me to take you out tonight,” Sam said the next day as we sat in her car.

I stared at her for a moment before realizing she was expecting a response from me. “Okay… why?”

Evidently, she thought that was funny because I could see her shaking, and she was smiling. “They’re tired of you moping around the house.”

My ears turned red at that. I didn’t know what to say so I just said what came instinctively. “I’m not moping.”

She just laughed again. This time, she turned on the car and headed for the college. My mind was a mess just then so I appreciated the music I couldn’t hear that kept her occupied. Why did my parents have to intrude? I would’ve gotten the courage to talk to her again, right? Or maybe Jazz had said something to them. One thing about being twins to a girl that wanted to be a psychiatrist: she started to tap into your moods and could even read them in a way that was creepy.

We were at a stop light when she tapped my shoulder, my eyes glancing over to Sam before turning to her hands as she signed, “Thinking on something tough?”

I just stared at her for a second, and she pointed to my hand. Turning my gaze to it, I realized I’d been biting my nails. It was an old habit that I still continued when I was nervous. Dropping my hand into my lap, I shook my head then pointed to the light. She blushed then jumped when the person behind her honked his horn. Evidently she’d gotten so nervous that she slammed too hard on the gas; we shot forward, and I actually had to grab onto my seat for fear of flying out the back window.

When I glanced at her, I could see her cheeks flushed in embarrassment. She glanced at me and managed a sheepish smile before turning her gaze back to the road. At least whoever had honked their horn was far behind. We reached the college a little later, and we both climbed out. Clouds were moving in over the mountains, clouds that looked to be threatening rain. Sam looked up at them a lot longer than I did before looking at me with a look that said, “I chose the wrong day to wear something so light.” I laughed before waving to her and heading for class.

Halfway through class, my text-only phone vibrated. Thankfully, the teacher decided to give us our break at that exact moment so I opened my phone to read it. Sarah had texted to let me know that Jeremy had caught a cold and wouldn’t be coming today. I wrote a quick text back telling her how I hoped he got better soon and that she should practice his reading with him. That done, I sent a quick text to Sam to let her know and to set up a meeting place. She agreed to meet me in the library.

Class ended at three, and I headed for the library. The clouds were right above us now, and thunder could be heard rumbling. My phone buzzed, and I opened it. Sam had texted me, but it didn’t make any sense. It was just a jumbled bunch of letters. For a moment, I considered if I should ignore it or take it seriously. That’s when I got another text from her of another set of jumbled letters. Frowning, I took off toward her classroom. The classroom was full with a whole other class. Sam’s class had gotten out before mine.

I panicked, running for the library. Just in case, I kept my eyes peeled should she be anywhere else along the way. That’s when I saw her. She was collapsed beside the art building; I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t getting up. This wasn’t like her. I ignored the phone vibrating in my pocket, assuming it was from her. Dropping to my knees beside her, I lifted her up so I could see her face. She opened her eyes to look at me, mouthing my name. Her hands were shaking too badly to sign, but she managed to pull her sleeve back to show me a medical bracelet I had never noticed on her before. On the back, it said, “Type 2 Diabetes, Leukemia remission.”

“Did you take your insulin?” I immediately signed, knowing diabetics could get really ill if they missed their shots. She nodded, and I paled. I could see from the fear in her eyes that she was telling me exactly what I thought she was trying to say. She was ill like this because she had fallen out of remission.

I didn’t know what to do. For a few seconds, I froze. My brain finally snapped back into focus, and I took Sam’s phone and dialed 911, putting it on speaker so she could talk to them. She was in too much pain to get her hands steady so I helped her find a pad so she could write to tell me what they’d said. The letters were shaky and sometimes garbled, but I managed to make out that the paramedics were coming and that we were to stay put.

The rain started to fall as we waited, and I held Sam close as she trembled. She was crying, and I wanted to cry too. It wasn’t fair to her or to me. Grabbing tightly to my arm, she buried her face against my chest. All I could do was stroke her hair and rock gently back and forth to give her some kind of comfort. When the paramedics arrived, I had to give her up, sitting nearby and watching anxiously as they did all kinds of things before loading her up on a stretcher and wheeling her away toward the ambulance.

I followed after them, anxious to stay with her. A paramedic stopped me at the door, saying something to me. Not only could I not hear him, but his lips were moving too fast for me to read. I shook my head, looking to Sam who was trying to speak to the paramedic sitting beside her. The paramedic then pushed me back climbed in and closed the doors.

“Sam!” I cried, not caring right then how loud or odd my voice sounded. I hadn’t even noticed the crowd of spectators or even the rain soaking my clothes. My entire body shook, and I didn’t even know how to comprehend what had just happened. For the first time in my life, I might have fallen in love, and now she was dying.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I ran home through the rain. My parents were shocked at my appearance, and everyone tried to sign something to me at once. “Hey!” I shouted, trying to get them to pay attention. Thankfully, their hands stilled. Jazz took my backpack off of me, but the rest of them watched and waited. “Sam was taken to the hospital. Her leukemia came back.” And then I just started crying. I couldn’t figure out how it had happened, and I couldn’t stop the tears either.

My mother mouthed my name as she wrapped me in her arms. I clung to her like a child, closing my eyes as I just kept crying. Not only was I losing the one person I had fallen in love with, but I was losing the only friend I had ever managed to keep.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hadn’t gotten to see Sam yet. Her parents had called just yesterday to say the doctors hadn’t even let them visit her yet. She had asked for me though as they wheeled her away into surgery. They were taking marrow from her parents again to try and stop the leukemia before it spread too far again. I hadn’t moved from my bed for two days. My mom had managed to get me into dry clothes, but I couldn’t eat. My appetite had fled, and the only thing I could focus on was the last time I saw Sam and the terrified look on her face.

“Danny.” Jazz had to kneel by my bed so I could see her hands. “The Mansons called again. Sam’s allowed visitors.” I sat up so quickly that I smacked my head against her hand. Rubbing my forehead, I watched as she signed more. “I really don’t think she’d like to see you looking like this. Eat something.”

How could I eat? I wanted to see Sam; food didn’t matter. Why did they keep trying to get me to eat? I stood and walked over to my closet. There was a five-foot mirror hanging on the door, and I nearly gawked at my appearance. I looked as sick as she had that day at the college. No wonder everyone wanted me to eat; I would terrify her. I gulped down some food as Jazz signed to me the plan. Her parents had seen her for several hours now; they had decided to have their time alone with her before calling to say I could visit. I wanted to scowl at that, but I suppose it made sense.

She had asked for me again, and I could feel the heat on my cheeks as Jazz informed me of this with a smug grin on her face. Maybe now would be a bad time to tell her how I felt, but I knew if I didn’t take this chance to say it now, I might never get that chance. For once in my life, I didn’t know what to wear. I stood at my closet in boxers and socks with no idea what to wear. Jazz burst in after I’d been standing there for half an hour.

“Jazz!” I cried, grabbing a shirt to cover myself. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Helping you dress. You’re taking too damn long.” She breezed past me and snatched a shirt and pair of jeans from my closet and shoved them at me. It was a nice shirt, nicer than what I would usually wear to see Sam, but I suppose it made sense. “There. You should look acceptable now.” She glanced up at my hair and grimaced but left the room to let me change. With a sigh, I put on the clothes she’d given to me and headed down the stairs.

My whole family was waiting for me. No one said anything as we walked out of the house and drove to the hospital. Once again, my old nervous habit came back as my thumb nail became victim to the nervousness tying up in my belly. I swallowed hard as the hospital came into view, and suddenly, I didn’t want to leave the car as we parked. Jazz had to drag me out by my hand and continued dragging me.

My feet felt like lead. The elevator trip to the ICU took far too long; the hallway leading to Sam’s room was far too long. My parents waited in the cafeteria with her parents. Only Jazz and Vlad accompanied me. With a wide-eyed gaze up at Jazz, I walked into Sam’s room alone. She was sleeping; or maybe she was just dozing. I walked up to her bed and sat down in the chair by her bed. Her eyes opened then, and she smiled when she saw me.

“Danny.” Her hands weren’t shaking anymore, but they were still weak. “My parents said you were coming.”

I smiled, holding her hand as she reached out for mine. I could feel my own trembling in her grasp. “Well, I couldn’t very well say no, could I? You are my best friend.”

Her smile widened when I signed that, and she squeezed my hand as best as she could in her weak state. “The doctors say the marrow worked well. With luck, my leukemia should be back in remission.” I knew a little bit about how remission worked. A cancer patient had to go through five years of it in order to be considered cured. “I’m worried though. They used the same marrow last time, and it didn’t work. What’s to say it’ll work now?”

“Don’t give up hope,” I signed. It took longer to sign with one hand, but I didn’t want to release her hand just as much as she didn’t want to release mine. “It’ll be okay. You’ll see.” She closed her eyes when I finished signing; maybe she was just too tired for visitors right now. I stroked her hair back from her forehead, watching her for a bit. She seemed so fragile, so unlike the aggressive, independent young woman I knew. “Sam,” I whispered then gently kissed her forehead. Her eyes opened, and she smiled at me again before they drifted shut once more.

I knew then that I didn’t want to tell her that I loved her in sign. I wanted to tell her in words. I wanted to see that smile on her face—the one she always got whenever I said something instead of signed it. Jazz would help me; that I didn’t doubt in the least. I just needed her to stay strong for me until I learned the words. That’s all I needed from her. I kissed her forehead again, but this time her eyes remained shut. She had fallen asleep.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author’s Note: Raise your hand if you were expecting this!!! I better not see any hands raised. Hell, I didn’t even expect this. My characters have run away from me, and now Sam’s a diabetic and suffering from leukemia. And Danny’s deaf and in love with her. Now if he can just get the courage to tell her that. Before you all review demanding all sorts of answers, I’ll give you a few now. First, Sam is not going to be sick for the rest of the story. She’s going to get better. We’re not going to make it all the way through her remission, but she does grow stronger again.

Secondly, I don’t know if Danny is going to tell her or not in the next chapter. I do know that Danny will not remain deaf. That much I can tell you. I will not tell you how or when his hearing comes back. Thirdly, yes I know diabetes and leukemia and a deaf character are a lot to throw into one story, but I didn’t decide that. It may sound weird, but the truth is that Sam had always been this way from Chapter 1 and she only just decided to reveal it to all of us. I’m as shocked as you. My plan had been for a car accident to jar them both a little and make them admit their feelings. You can see my plan was not what my characters had planned.

Blanket disclaimer: See Chapter 1.