Chapter 5: So Many Ways to Say I Love You

It was harder to learn a phrase than it was to learn one name or a simple word. More than once, Jazz had cringed when I tried to say the words. She told me I was just saying them really weird. Like “love” sounded more like “luff” when I said it. I didn’t want to say “luff” though. Almost a week had passed since Sam had been hospitalized, and they’d moved her out of ICU to the normal wing. Her doctor said she was going great; the look on her face said she didn’t feel so great.

We had to be careful when we visited her still. Her immune system was still weak, and any little virus could easily make her very sick. The nurses always made us wear face masks, but I didn’t mind so much. I didn’t use my voice to communicate with Sam. She complained that she missed my smile though. Evidently, she really liked something about my smile; I couldn’t see what was so special about it. Then again, I couldn’t see what Sam saw in me at all.

“She must be into the silent types,” Jazz had said when I asked her what Sam could possibly see in me.

I rolled my eyes as her body started shaking with laughter. “Hilarious, really. Can we focus here? I really want to learn this phrase for her.”

Jazz just shook her head. “Do you really think she’ll care how you tell her? If she loves you too, it won’t matter. You’ve known each other for maybe three months? I doubt she’d care if you signed it.”

“That’s why I want to say it. She won’t be expecting that, and it’ll be that much more special for her.” Why did Jazz have to be such a logical thinker sometimes?

I got a text from Sam the next day. She was excited; the hospital had released her, and she was on her way home. “Please come see me,” her text said. As if I had needed anymore prodding to go see her.

Her mother was just helping her out of the car when I got there, and Mrs. Manson smiled at me. Sam looked so much paler than normal and far too thin, and she wore a scarf on her head to hide the fact that treatments had made her lose her hair. She smiled at me too, and I grasped her arm to help steady her. “I knew you would come,” she said, using only one hand.

“Of course I would,” I replied, ignoring the way my cheeks flushed. “You’re the only entertaining thing in my life.”

She giggled, shaking her head. “I hope you haven’t been ignoring poor Jeremy just because of me.”

I shook my head. “School’s out for him so his dad has him for the summer. Sarah’s pretty anxious, but they write letters to her so she knows he’s still getting his lessons. I sent some sign language cards to help out his dad too.”

She smiled at me. “At least Jeremy’s getting the help he needs.”

I helped her walk to the front door, grinning suddenly. “So, do I still have to wear those stupid masks, or will I not kill you with a cold anymore?”

She rolled her eyes. “Do you really think they would have released me if I were still in danger?” I just shrugged, still grinning as I led her inside once Mr. Manson had opened the front door for us. “So how long do you get to stay?”

I realized I hadn’t thought to ask my parents about that. “Uh, I don’t know. I just told my parents I was going over to your place. I didn’t say how long I would be gone, and they didn’t ask.”

“You could have asked.” She tugged me toward the stairs leading to the basement.

I’d only been to the Manson’s a few times, but I knew what was lurking down in that basement: a huge theatre screen with a projector and everything. It even came with its own snacks. If a movie wasn’t the plan, there was a button to slide the screen up, and the place became a bowling lane. Glancing at the stairs then back at her, I gave her a dubious look. I didn’t think I could help her down those stairs without having us both fall down them.

“Come on, it’s not that far.” She grinned at me. I just rolled my eyes then picked her up, cradling her in my arms. Her eyes were wide, and I was sure her heartbeat had probably upped ten beats. “Danny, what are you doing?”

As if I could sign while I was holding her. I just stuck my tongue out her then headed slowly down the stairs. It was much easier to get down the stairs holding her than it would have been to help her down them.

She didn’t sign again, and I set her down gently in one of the theatre chairs before signing to her, “It was easier and safer that way.”

Jazz had to be right about how Sam felt for me because the blush on her cheeks never went away after that incident.

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With school out for the summer, I spent a lot of time with Sam. Sometimes we hung out at her place, and sometimes we would go elsewhere like the park or somewhere else where we could just sit and sign to each other. She had a lot of checkups at the hospital and treatments once a month. I hated it when she had to go for treatments. She was always so weak and tired after them. Barely able to walk back out to the limo waiting for us, I often had to carry her. She didn’t really say anything anymore after the first time; sometimes she was too tired to even notice. Once she even fell asleep in my arms.

I felt like I should’ve died of embarrassment when Sam fell asleep in my arms. The limo driver had this huge grin on his face, and I’ll bet he was laughing till I shot him a dirty look. He went back to professionalism real quick. Mr. and Mrs. Manson didn’t really seem to notice, not that they knew enough sign to tell me anything anyway. Mrs. Manson would smile every time we got back in the limo whether I carried her or not so it was difficult to figure out what she would think if Sam and I ended up as something more.

The Manson’s were much like any other rich family, and this I hadn’t really noticed until I spent almost a daily basis in their mansion. Except for Friday and Sunday, The Manson parents went to social functions and business meetings. From what Sam was willing to say about them, she’d also been required to attend since she turned eighteen. It was only her new bout of leukemia that gave her the ability to skip out. At least she felt there was one good side to this. I could see nothing but bad.

“It’s getting better,” Sam informed me. “The doctors say my treatments are almost over. My body’s been responding well to them, and I should be back in remission in another month.”

One month left. Then she wouldn’t have to go to those appointments that always made her so sleepy. She would be healthy again. Or as healthy as she could be with leukemia lurking in her system. And her hair would get the chance to grow back. She always wore that scarf around me, even though she would complain it made her hot. I guess she thought the fact that she was bald would make me think she was repulsive. I could have cared less as long as it meant her treatments were working.

We were watching a movie in the den, one of Sam’s favorites. I never could remember the title, but it had people being haunted by ghosts and stuff. I couldn’t see the appeal; ghosts were something I wasn’t really into. Not that I was afraid of them! Heaving a sigh, I glanced over at Sam to see if she was enjoying the movie. We’d watched it three times this past week. I did not expect to see her passed out beside me, and I did not expect her to snuggle closer when I moved so I could take her upstairs to her room.

I slowly pushed the scarf away from her face, smiling as she stirred a little from the soft touch of my fingers. “Sam,” I whispered softly. She didn’t move that time, and I leaned down and kissed her forehead. If only she knew just how much I loved her. But I would get the chance to tell her sometime soon.

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“Okay, try it again.”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I love you.”

Jazz’s shoulders started shaking then she fell over shaking uncontrollably with laughter. We were sitting on the floor up in my room, still working on that damn phrase. I blew out a breath, arms crossing over my chest as I glared at her.

“I’m sorry, Danny,” she managed to sign to me as she continued to laugh. “It’s just so funny to hear you say luff instead.”

I scowled. Why was that one word so fucking hard to say? “Yeah, well, it’s easy for you. You’re not retarded.”

That got her to stop laughing, and she scowled too. “Danny, you are not retarded! Just because you’re deaf doesn’t mean—“

“Then stop laughing at me! It’s easy for you to say things because you’ve had your hearing all your life. It’s much more difficult for someone who lost their hearing at 4 when then last time they said ‘love’ was when it was cute to say ‘luff’ instead!” I shot to my feet with a growl, stalking out of the room.

Jazz wasn’t the real reason I was frustrated, of course. As each day passed, Sam got closer and closer to the day when the doctor would state she was in remission. I wanted to tell her how I felt on that same day; things just weren’t working out that way with my stupid 4-year-old handicap. Sitting on the couch, I covered my ears with my hands and closed my eyes. Why hadn’t temporary been as temporary as the doctors hoped?

A hand was set gently on my shoulder, and I looked up to see Vlad standing beside me. He smiled kindly then sat down beside me. “What’s the matter, Daniel?”

I heaved a sigh, lowering my hands from my ears. “Why haven’t I gained my hearing back yet? The doctors said temporary. I’ve gone through four specialists and none of them can understand why I haven’t gotten my hearing back yet. They say everything has healed since the accident. Why?”

“Things happen for a reason, son. It may just not be your time to have your hearing back yet. Just think of all the good that has happened since you lost your hearing.” I stared at him as if he’d grown another head. What good had happened? His smile didn’t waver. “You haven’t noticed? Daniel, when the accident happened, your family was close to falling apart. It was for your sake that your parents remained together. It was because of that they realized they still loved each other just as deeply. Jazmine has worked so hard because she sees you. You have done amazing things even with your handicap, and she feels so ordinary compared to you. Even you have gotten some good out of it. Were it not for your handicap, you never would have met that nice young woman, Samantha, and you never would have found a purpose for your life.”

Damn, he was right. I could remember the arguments when I was little—vaguely, but they were there. Those arguments had been the reason I’d wanted so badly to grow up so fast. If I were older, I could help my parents—that’s what I had been thinking. As far as the thing with Jazz, why would she want to try and beat me? She already had. Her grades were straight A’s; I was lucky if all of my classes were B’s. But then I realized what Vlad had been trying to say. The same effort I put to get those B’s by going to a regular university, Jazz was getting A’s for by going to the same university. We both studied the same amount, but concepts were harder for me to grasp without hearing.

And what he’d said about Sam… He was right there too. Sam and I never would’ve met, and she never would’ve helped me realize I could be a normal person even without my hearing. Without her, I would be dead right now. Jeremy would still be unable to read or write or say a single word. I had caused a lot of good with my accident. I just wished now I could be touched by some of that good by getting my hearing back.

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“There are other ways you could say what you feel,” my mother said when I asked for her help. “Those three words aren’t the only way.”

I heaved a sigh. Why was everyone trying to get me to say it some other way? “I want to do it this way because I know it would be special. She knows I can’t say many words so I want to surprise her with this.”

She smiled at me, shaking her head. “Who would have thought the little boy I raised that swore he would always think girls were ‘icky’ would now be trying to surprise one?”

My cheeks heated up, and I ducked my head, scuffing my toe against the floor. “Come on, Mom. You’re embarrassing me. I just needed to know if you would help me.”

“Sweetie, she’ll love it even if you say ‘luff’ instead of ‘love’. You don’t need any more help.” She smiled at me even as I scowled at her. Why couldn’t anyone understand that I didn’t want to say “luff”?

Sam invited me over that same day. According to her, she needed a huge celebration when her final treatment finished, and I was needed to help plan it. I didn’t even know Sam had friends much less what they would like in a party. “It’s only a couple of people,” she explained. “I don’t many people anyway. Just Valerie, Tucker, and Jessica and Rebecca might show up.”

My brows raised on instinct. Only one guy friend? “Tucker? Who’s that?”

The smirk on her face made my cheeks flush. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous, Daniel Fenton.”

I let out a huff. “Jealous? Of course not. He sounds like a geek. I was just wondering who could have a name like that is all.”

She shook her head, that smile still in place. “He is a geek. He’s big on technology. He’s got this PDA that he can’t stand to be away from.”

I snorted. “Told you. How’d you manage to become friends with him if he’s such a techno-geek?”

“Connections with my parents’ friends made him instantly attracted, and I needed his help on some math. After that, it just sort of graduated to a friendship.” She grinned a bit. “Besides, he’s not my type.”

What could make her think I was really interested in her “type”? Could I be that transparent? “I didn’t want to know, and I didn’t ask.” I rolled my eyes as her shoulders shook with laughter and decided to return the conversation to the matter at hand. “So what kind of planning do we need to do for four people? Two of which may or may not show up.”

A flick of her wrist, and a roll of her eyes showed me I hadn’t really been invited to plan that party. “We’re just going to serve pizza and soda, and people can watch movies in my home theatre. I had to give some kind of reason because my parents were lurking over my shoulder and teasing me about you. They kept saying, ‘You always have him over for no reason. When is he going to make a move?’ It gets annoying after a while.” She started looking through the catalog of videos on her lap, trying to make a selection for us.

I knew exactly what she meant. But I also couldn’t help wondering that myself. When would I get the courage to make a move? I was twenty-one years old; I certainly wouldn’t be getting any younger, and making relationships would only get harder as I got older. “Sam.” She looked up at me as I said her name. “I—“

The doorbell must have rung or someone called her name because she turned her head away suddenly, looking upstairs. Her parents came downstairs carrying pizza boxes and soda. She always ordered pizza for us, but today was just really bad timing. I had almost told her right then and there. Even with the fact that I said “luff” instead of “love”, I didn’t care. I had wanted to tell her. And the damn pizza had to interrupt me. I mean really; what the hell?

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Author’s Note: So, there you go, my little readers. Some more fun stuff to look for. Mwahahaha. I love tormenting poor Danny. Interrupted by pizza! Priceless…

Blanket Disclaimer: See bottom of Chapter 1…