I do not own any characters from the Harry Potter book series. JKR does. You rock Jo. The story is for fun, not profit...Thank You, Jo. Hope you all enjoy the story.

Old Friend

The Beginning

“NO!” Her scream jolted her from sleep. The smell of cold winter drifted in from her open window. She struggled out of the warm cocoon and slid her feet out of bed. Only dreaming. That knowledge didn't help shake the horrible dream she had. “Wedding planning jitters.” Laughing to herself, hoping to regain the peaceful austere quality of the winter night. Ever since she left Hogwarts, winter nights had not felt the same. Leaving the windows open a crack seemed to help. The sounds of the house comfortably settling around her and the loneliness of being so far from James made her uneasy. “Bad job.” Lily knew she shouldn't dwell on it, but her Mum and Da weren't with her now to talk to. She didn't have anyone to talk to, “Tuney might as well be gone for all that she'd listen.” Shocked at the words coming from her mouth she shuffled over to Da's old writing desk.

In the deep pocket drawer was a small moleskin diary given to her a lifetime ago, at least it seemed that way. Switching on the light and looking fondly at the treasure she had confided so much to. Before the wedding she knew she must throw it in the bin, but how could she? Lily said with a sigh. “So, many questions left unanswered, ideas that never saw fruit, so many memories.” Pressing her eyes shut, she brought the book to her nose and relaxed into her scent memory. Relishing it with her eyes still shut she fanned the pages with her thumb. Tears came to her eyes. “I can't do it.” Weeping into the porous surface.

Hoping for inspiration she opened the book to a relatively random page. After all she had filled the entire book and knew whereabouts she would land.

~*~

Dated 4, June

It's miserable day despite the sun and and laughing people. Why don't they all sod off! Couldn't have imagined myself so sad and angry before today. Yesterday, well diary I expect you'll know all about that. Now I got people coming at me from every direction offering advice and giving condolence. I DON'T NEED YOUR DAMN ADVICE OR CONDOLENCE! Don't know what Alice was about when she took to making up stuff to create distance between us...I mean, really! DAMN YOU ALICE, DAMN YOU AND FRANK FOR TRYING TO BE MY BLOODY BODY GUARDS! I don't need body guards or any such thing. I need something, my head hurts. Madam Pomfrey would have something but that would only be temporary.

Had his jealousy gotten so bad...I don't even want to think about it, DAMN YOU, TOO! I can't think, stupid boys. Well, one way or another they will both regret it. By Merlin, they will both pay!

Think I'll lay down for a while. Maybe twenty odd years or more. I'll be Rip Van Evans. Except I don't fancy the beard or six feet of leg hair either.

Thank You Diary, you're my one true friend.

~*~

Lily adjusted her seated position in the chair. “They will pay, eh? Well, don't know about that so much. James is likely going to pay if doesn't start participating in the preparations for the big day.” She thought morosely that she might resort to concocting a potion to motivate him and stop his pawing at her every time they're in public. As for Snivellus, she knew he had gotten his when she saw the look on his face the last time the where together in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady. “So much time, such a waste.”

Her mind ran down long dark tunnels of; How? What? Topped off with empty questions all without answers. None that she could see at least.

Instinctively she knew what filled the pages following that one. So, she flipped back a good distance.

~*~

Dated 28, February

Sev has not been the same. Very strange. Today Diary if you can believe it, Sev wanted to have a private word. Well, maybe that's not so odd but when those jackasses came over to us, harassing me and teasing Sev he told them to “shove off.” I would have given anything to have a photo of it. Malfoy was livid. Just thinking about it bring tears of joy to my eyes. Sev, seemed so powerful, so commanding. You know Diary he might be building some confidence. Some others sitting a short distance way cheered Sev on! I, swear Sev had a pink blush! On my honour, I swear! But Diary the burning question is: Does Sev like me? Really like me! I'm in agony. He's so intelligent, I think his mind is brilliant. And he's become such a natty dresser. Sure he says stuff, but its all cryptic and confused. Oh sure he means everything he says but bless him, why doesn't he say what he means? He doesn't like me hanging around James and them but I always thought it was because him and James don't get on. Never have and likely never will.

Dropped the thread of my story...so he faces me on the bench and looks at me very seriously and the first words out of his mouth were “About James...” I cut him off right there, honestly! That wasn't what I wanted to talk about. Seriously though I would have much rather talked about meeting up on Easter Vacation, or discussed Potions, or even the sink in the water closet for that matter. ANYTHING BUT LISTEN OR TAKE PART IN ANOTHER PISSING CONTEST! My potion is bubbling over. Got to run, love ya Diary.

~*~

Lily smiled with chagrin. The cold air from the window brought that day and time into too sharp a focus. “Does Sev like me?” she said in a self-mocking tone. How could I consider the possibility? Unwilled her mind meandered into long forgotten passages and plumbed the interminable abyss of her sleep-deprived mind. Her head spun with memories and suspicions and loss. She muttered, “as good a friend as you were Diary, you never gave me any answers.”

Having to create some distance from the past, she padded down the stairs in search of solace. She was sure she couldn't have gone back to bed if a pack of Dementors drug her there. She decided instead, to have a cup of coffee with a heavy tot of whiskey and send some correspondence.

The smell of the hot coffee wafted through the room and its strong dark flavours mingled on her tongue. The lateness of the night and giddy reckless feeling that the coffee had blessed her with, she decided to write to Severus. What might have been a plain “hello, hope you've changed your allegiance.” Instead the letter deteriorated into; “You are a GIT! Can't believe you were so BRILLIANT AT POTIONS AND SCHOOL but you couldn't fit two sentences together so a girl might understand them. Oh, yeah...did I remember to tell you, You're a GIT!”

She equipped herself with a more whiskey and a tot of coffee, then continued. “You know I...can't believe I'm telling you this but...I ACTUALLY LIKED YOU, YOU STUPID GIT. CAN'T BELIEVE I WANTED TO GET CLOSE TO YOU, I MUST HAVE BEEN AS STUPID AS YOU, YOU GIT!” The anger helped to focus her attention, but the third glass comprised entirely of whiskey was responsible for opening her diary and dumping it all over the letter.

There was so much anger in the letter that it never occurred to her, the level of embarrassment that might be achieved if she actually sent the letter. But of course she would send the letter. “Think you'll get off with a hang-dog expression? Well, I don't think so.” She tapped the letter with her wand, sealing it and sent it off with her trusted owl, Breide. Nursing the remaining glass of whiskey, she stewed in her own juices until she fell asleep on the sofa.

Nudged from sleep by the insistent chill and pecking of sleet against the window she struggled from the sofa, closed the window and lit a fire. The brilliant white coming in from the kitchen window shot bullets of pain through her head. “Omelet! I need food.” Her stomach lurched slightly and she changes tactics, settling on toast. The pain reverberating in her abused skull delayed her hearing Breide at the window. As soon as she realized her beautiful dun owl was there she rushed over to let her in. Breide flew over to her toast, snatching a slice and landed gracefully on top of the refrigerator.

Lily stood, hands on hips thinking maybe she would have been better off without such a smart owl. “Oh, you.” The owl clearly had a letter but Lily knew if she tried to get it before the owl was done, she'd have her hand pecked off. Lily watched the owl with intense curiosity and was half-tempted to put a body binding curse on the beast. However, she resolved to watch, while the remainder of her own breakfast sat forgotten. Once the bird gobbled her erstwhile toast she consented to deliver the letter. Holding the letter tightly in her nervous hands, she could only wonder if the Deatheater in question was going to “rain hell” down upon her. Nerves getting the better of her, she opened the letter, tearing it haste.

~*~

Evans,

You think so? Say it to my face.

Signed,

Post Script:

Muggle Pub on Wickam Wind, tonight 8p.m. Come alone. I will be unarmed.

~*~

“Well, I wasn't expecting that.” Pondering the meeting a Deatheater in a Muggle pub of all things. Alone, with him? Surely, someone should know her whereabouts. “Can't tell James though, he'd flip. Then he would tell me not to go, then he'd start inquiring into the whole affair then he'd go after Severus. That won't do.” So she did the only sensible thing she could think up, call Tuney.

The line buzzed as the connection was made. She'd really have to replace that old telephone. “Mrs. Petunia Dursley speaking.”

“Ah, Tuney, it's me. How are you?” Silence met her greeting. “Ok. Well, I have a very small favour to ask you, sweetest sister of mine.”

“Don't talk nonsense, I'm your only sister, get to the point I don't really have all day.” Petunia spat back.

More silence. “I'm doing something tonight and I would like you to call me this evening, around ten or eleven to make sure I got in ok. Oh, please Tuney, say something.” She was giddy with nervousness.

“Don't call me that.” Petunia harrumphed on the line in the pause. “Can't that Potter call you?”

“Well, that's just the thing, see uh...James uh...wouldn't approve.” She said hurriedly. “Please I'm begging you just a call that's all, please.” Lily knew Petunia would be twisted up with curiosity enough to call, but she would huff about it a bit in the interim.

“Alright, fine, just a call. I'm not driving out to get you, if you've gotten yourself lost.” Petunia said grudgingly.

“Oh, thank you Sis. I love you, thanks a bunch.” The dial tone met her last syllable. “That's taken care of.” She was deeply relieved, and started at once to keep busy up until it was time to leave.

She shovelled the drive and walk without magic, hoping the labour would help distract her from her impending interview with Severus. Around midday her stomach announced loudly that she'd not eaten. Giving in humbly, she ate a hearty meal. She might have settled for the other slice of marmalade toast, had it still been there. She finished cleaning the house that her parents left her. By the time she put away the last of her clothes it was past supper and nearly time to leave. Deciding on distinctly Muggle attire, she donned American style denim jeans and a simple top, under a magically warm wool short coat. Remembering just in time to grab some pounds before she Apparated to the little pub.

The sucking pull from Apparating changed to freezing gusts as her feet touched solid ground. Lily wandered from around the side, frightening a cat as she casually entered the pub. She stood in place giving her eyes time to adjust to the dark interior. Lily looked around and froze. She saw the smooth curve of his black glossy hair. What in hell was she doing here, she was meeting with a known Deatheater? This was madness! Before she could turn to go, he turned in her direction. Lily summoned up her inner Gryffindor and walked toward him on shaky legs.

Snape looked completely at his ease. Slightly overdressed under the trench coat. Had he been waiting long? Lily wondered. On the small table was the fat letter filled with all the diatribes she had hurled at him.

“No black roses?” Snape solemnly inquired. Seeing her surprise, he continued. “Old Muggle custom, the victim would receive black roses from his killer.” Nonchalant as ever. “You did say,” gesturing at the letter. “You deserve to die a dozen deaths.” Smiling with just a hint of smugness.

“Fine, here are your bloody roses.” She reached into her coat conjuring twelve black roses, setting them neatly on the table next to his untouched drinks. She took off her coat and took the chair opposite Snape.

He fingered the petals gently and inhaled their delicate scent. “What would you have?” Superseding Snapes' attention, she turned in her chair. “Barkeep, I'll have what the gentleman is having.” The man at the bar gave her a doubtful look but got the drinks all the same. Lily turned back to Snape and delivered him one of his own sneers. She looked at his untouched drinks, one small shot of a crystal clear liquid and the other was a pint of very dark stout. Strange, this was an excellent metaphor for the man who had ordered them. Neat, clear and at the same time dark and smooth.

The barkeep set down her drinks, “Everclear and a pint for the lady.” Lily sat agog, she probably should have found out what he was having first. This was not good.

Snape smugly clinked her shot with his, “to renewed friendship.” He said giving her a crooked smile. She only grunted “cheers.” They downed their shots. At first she coughed and sputtered, then felt relief when it was over. And secretly grateful for the alcohol's calming influence. Her inner voice that was holding onto the sense of caution was now shivering with abandon, which left her feeling confused. As if waking from a dream, turned horribly to a nightmare.

While Lily was trying to figure out what she had been about coming here, Snape touched her hand to get her attention. Cascading prickles swarmed her body. They had never really made physical contact, except the once when she touched his hands in a moment of excitement. To her shock Severus' face took on the colour of a beet then changed to a sickly green. Lily had recognized his discomfort and let go. “Two sentences? I believe, I have two to “rub together.”” Recalling her to the ungodly letter that had brought her here. She took a sip of her stout and almost choked on it when he said boldly, “Lily Evans, I love you. I always have.” Completely cross she mopped the beer from her top.

Lily retorted, “Yeah well, it's been bizarre,” grabbed her coat and turned to pay the barkeeper and leave. Cantering drunkenly from both shock and drink, she left. As soon as she had gotten two steps beyond the door, Snape forcibly stopped her.

“I have just put an anti-disapparation charm on you.” He whispered in her ear. Her head whipped around so fast that her shoulder-length hair grazed Snape's face, leaving him with a sort of dreamy look. Lily had never seen that look before, it arrested her desire to go.

“What happened to “I will be unarmed.”?” Delight suffused the austere face removing all trace of mocking arrogance. He failed to respond to the question. Severus cupped her elbow in one hand and placed his other on her upper arm. They walked down the pavement in the cold. To all appearances they were a couple. Lily was in distress looking quite a lot like a mad cat. “You will pay for this Mr. Snape.”

This use of his surname revived Severus' dry frank tone. “I expect, I will pay dearly for a great many things. But for now I have you bodily.” His own amusement revived betraying him, and he snorted his laughter.

“Ha! You're a snorter!” This might not have been so funny except she was drunk and he was not usually willing to be taunted.

“Have your little joke. It is certainly no worse than what YOU and that gang of hounds put me through.” Silkily as he said it, there was an air of accusation.

“No, thaz not right.” She turned to Snape poking him unsteadily in the chest. “I didn't do anything to you,” regaining her indignant position. “Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have pulled your underpants down and exposed your bum to everyone.”

Unbothered by her words he continued on his coarse. Severus found, she was easy to manoeuvre in her current state of inebriation. Pressing her into a building and holding her wrists, he leaned down into the hollow of her neck; delivering kisses. He deep breathes mingled with, “Lily I love you. I love you so much. Ever since we first spoke. You are the only one to see me for what I was; someone who mattered, someone who was more than the sum of my talents. Someone to be trustworthy, you put your trust in me.” Letting go of her wrists, he barely touched her face with his fingertips which smothered her resistance. Snape then wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled into her, weeping. “I'm so sorry.” Repeating over and over in desperation, that she might understand. She brushed his hair back from her face. The touch spurred his desperate tears. “I would do anything...anything you want.”

An incongruous sound broke through the night. Lily extricated herself from Severus, reached into her pocket, pulling out a television remote. She had obviously bewitched it so that she could receive phone calls on it. “Petunia, thanks for calling, I appreciate it...No everything's fine...All is well, yes, well...how about I call you tomorrow. I've had a bit to drink and I'm just about to go to bed...Tuney” Lily was feeling uncomfortable talking into her remote control on the pavement. “I promise I tell you all the gory details, ok. I love you, good night.” She put away the remote. Lily felt emotionally drained from the whole affair. So much so that she leaned her back against the wall and slid down its length inches from the wet snow. The lies, deceit and her own confused feelings. Sheltering her head between her knees, the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness crashed over her, drowning her concentration.

Snape mastered his emotion. Summoning his strength he pulled Lily to her feet, picked her up in his arms and carried her a short distance to an alley. “Lily I want you to be comfortable, let's get out of the cold. Hold on to my neck.” As soon as she embraced Snape they disapparated arriving at the house on Spinner's End.

Inside the house warm with fire and small sitting room. Lily was sobering up mostly due to the apparition. In her appraisal of the room she noticed there was only a small sofa and a low table with a lamp. It would have been spartan, but for the bookcases lining the walls. Snape took her coat and removed his own to two small hooks on the wall. Snape relaxed soundlessly on the small sofa. Lily took a spot on the hearth rug. The silence was palpable in the small space. Snape extracted the bouquet from inside his charcoal grey cable-knit sweater, which he then removed. Resettled on the old sofa he tenderly brushed its soft fragrant petals against his nose. Snape was the first to break the silence, “will you kill me now or later?” His tone was casual not betraying any hint of sarcasm.

Angry Lily stood up and wildly gestured. “What? Do you think this is some kind of joke? Or do you think I couldn't kill you, is that it?” In rage she snatched the bouquet of roses from him and lashed him with them, leaving small cuts on the exposed skin. “Don't you dare...you have no right...”say it to my face.”...Say it to my face...well, I'll say it to your face...YOU ARE A GIT...AN ASS...A FOOL but so was I for not seeing that sooner.” While she was still flogging him with the roses, bits of petals and leaves drifted to the floor. Lily switched her hold to the other hand. Hitting him seemed to satisfy her in a way that magic could not. Severus ripped his shirt-front open welcoming a stippling of tiny cuts from the thorns. At this she stopped and looked, his chest almost entirely scared. Lily touched the largest patch of criss-crossed cuts, they were recent. Laying her palm flat against his heart feeling the texture of the wounds.

Not wanting pity he lay his hand on hers and met her eyes. “Penance. I learned about penance early on.” She tried to move her hand but Snape held it fast. “There is one for each day your forgiveness has been denied me...And” he asserted. “I deserve every one.” She obviously was about to say something but he forestalled her. “I deserve worse. I would cut my heart out and give it to you, because without you I have no need for it. It is no more than one more source of pain, and an everlasting reminder of what I've done.” Lily pulled away turned her back on him and walked to the mantle laying her face against a white onyx carriage clock. She had her own scars from pain remembered and relived.

Snape picked the letter out of his pocket and read, “...I actually liked you, you stupid git, can't believe I wanted to get close to you, I must have been as stupid as you, you git...” His recitation was dispassionate. “Did you mean it, what you wrote? ”

Still not facing him she nodded her head in accent. He stood and moved behind Lily, wrapping his arms around her. “I'm close now, and you were right. I am a stupid git, plain and simple.” They were beautiful standing near the fire; bright and dark, elegant and austere. Both wearing identical expressions of anguish. Pain radiated from very fibre of their limbs.

Lily turned to look into his eyes, something she had mostly avoided doing thus far. She turned to face him, so close their noses brushed. She was able to see in his eyes for a moment, before he closed them and kissed her supple lips. She had seen all she had needed to see.

Once the spell was broke he cradled her in his arms then carried her through a door disguised as a bookcase and up a flight of stairs. Snape laid Lily on the sturdy plain dark wood bed. As he curled up next to her, she stared at the scars covering his chest and arms. They were all shapes and sizes and depths. He was not ashamed of his self-mutilation, only of his actions. Mesmerized, Lily traced the marks with her index finger. “I must insist that you stop cutting yourself.”

Severus returned her kind look, and shook his head. “You don't understand. I think like an Old World man, thus I have ideas that might conflict with modern views. You could say too that I have not earned your forgiveness. If I have earned your forgiveness, this will cease.” He touched Lily's hand as it rested on the new cuts from the thorns. “Don't worry about those, they are nothing. You left your mark on me long ago.” Snape hovered over her, supporting himself on hands and knees. His hair tickled pin picks at the outer edge of her face, she smiled at the strange sensation they produced. Snape closed his eyes, and his face twitched slightly as she playfully ran her hands down his side and across his back. Upon reopening them, he was met with her look of horrified shock. She jerked up pushing him aside, clumsily she climbed across the bed and inspected his back. Deep furrows striped his back, some were alarmingly ragged.

“You have to stop this madness!” Shouted Lily, trying to resist sobbing, “you have to. I'm telling you to.” Her emotion ebbed revealing a rictus of pain and tears. “You must!” she sobbed.

Severus never wanted Lily to cry, to feel pain especially over his remorse. “Lily, my only love, please don't cry. I don't want to cause you pain. Please forget those. Try to understand, they are simply a physical representation of the pain in my consciousness.”

Despite covering her mouth with her hand her words were still audible, “you didn't even try to heal them with magic.” Her anger was surfacing, “if you need some great quest that no mere mortal man can stand up to; go to the damn store and by me the biggest box of tampons they have!”

“I desire nothing more than your loving acceptance of me and that we both might heal. I do not want your pity. I don't know if I'll ever been good enough, but I want to try.” Snape brushed his lips against hers leaving tiny kisses around her face. Severus moved closer to her, chests pressed tightly together.

He didn't seem to progress beyond the casual caressing. It donned on Lily that he wouldn't take it any further. Anything more would have to come from her. She reached down and unfastened his belt and unbuttoned his trousers. She ran trembling fingers up his belly and seized his waist pulling him closer. Ripples of panic flooded her senses as she imagined the disastrous coarse she was barrelling toward. Finding that her hands denied her what she'd yearned for deeply, she grew frustrated. Need compelled her to wrap arms and legs around her hearts' desire, clenching him to her. Speechless, and impotent she was in agony. Lily wanted him, truly possess all that her heart had burned for all of these years. “Can't you see that I am a “burning woman,” give me what you should have years ago.”

A relieved sigh escaped Severus' lips. “Give you what I never had motions to put to. I will but first I give you the words, words I never had master of. I was a fool Lily, I was a jealous fool. Your heart is sweet and your love is strong and I want both.” He spoke slowly and deliberately. He sat back up and reached for his wand on the side table. Placing the wand on her chest, sliding it all the way down her body making her clothes vanish. Lily was so amazed at the trick that she failed to feel embarrassed or realize that Snape was likewise undressed. A fact that suspended her normal thought process. The beautifully made, terribly scarred Severus Snape straddled Lily's legs. He dark eyes reflected a life-time of love and tenderness. He met her lips with sweet tenderness. Unseen he waved his wand creating a burst of red flower petals to flow through the room caressing and tickling them as he made love to her. Very slowly in the beginning, his passion was on a short leash. Their exchanges became more intense and Snape opened the flood-gate. Probing the depths of her fleshy flower. Nibbling on her silky expanse of skin, boring into her core. Effecting such a sustained gentle orgasmic hum, she had never felt so completely gratified.

With great fervour she turned the tables on Snape, enveloping his firm masculinity. Stroking his long lean limbs, licking and teasing and taking him inside as though she could will him there always. His wand though not in his hand sparked as he climaxed. So exhausted from love making she tumbled onto the bed into Sev's waiting arms. He drew the soft cotton sheets over their nakedness.

“You have drug me from the pit of hell,” They cuddled closer into one another. “I feel alive. I want to be with you, prove my loyalty to you and my fidelity. Lily I want to make you mine.”

“My world has been turned upside-down, I need to turn it to rights. Don't know how I'll manage to do it, but it's a worthy endeavour.” They fell asleep in a warm embrace.

Not having benefit of ubiquitous Muggle alarm clocks they slept like children, warm and tranquilly. Cuddling still when Severus woke the following day, he left the bed momentarily to toilet and wash. Summoning a small tray of delectable savouries he returned to the room. On the bed was a note.

Dearest Sev,

This mending of hearts has been more than I could have hoped for. I believe that this is only the beginning of something very special. I am sorry that I left without a proper good-bye, but if I had stayed I might not have left. I need some time to put my head on straight, then and only then can I decide my next step. The child that loved you with ardour and abandon wants to be the woman responsible for nurturing that love. I have gone now but we will be together again, for good.

Sincerest Love,

Lily Evans

Severus crushed the note to his chest and held it there.

Lily hadn't bothered with Apparating home instead she walked the ten blocks to her childhood home. En route she stopped at the old playground were her friendship has first bloomed. Collecting each memory to pad her heart with. Whatever she did it wasn't going to be easy. There was much to accomplish still, so many considerations to make. That was only the beginning.